What are transitions?
Definition – “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another” – Oxford English Dictionary.
I have noticed that muddling through life is basically moving from one thing to another, it’s a constant cycle of transitions. Asleep/awake, home/work, hungry/satisfied, standing/sitting/lying down. These are all very known to us, and we all have varying degrees of managing these transitions. Then there are some of the bigger ones; school/work, child/teenager, teenager/adult, non-parent/parent, single/relationship. You get my gist. Then there are the ones that we don’t notice so much, the subtle shifts of roles within our relationships that are so gradual that they creep up on you and one day smack you in the face. For me right now, I am experiencing that transition from mother of children, to being a mother of adults, all right around the same time of perimenopause.
This transition has crept upon me, I have sensed it coming. I have felt and rejoiced in its freedoms, the weekend trips without needing to find childcare, and the "make your own tea tonight, I’m too tired", responsibility shift. The closing of the bathroom and bedroom doors now, the return of some privacy. But today I felt like I was smashed in the face with this transition, whether it’s denial on my part or a romantic notion of motherhood I was clinging on to.
Today was GCSE results day, which is nestled 2 weeks before what marks the end of the last 6 week summer holiday in our house!
Over the last couple of days, we have had several conversations about collecting the results.
“Wait in the car mum!
I want to open them alone!
My friend’s parents aren’t even going!
Do you have to come at all?
I’m going straight out with my friends!
I don’t want to go out with you and celebrate!”
In the end, we managed a compromise. We agreed that I would wait in the car, they would bring the results, share them with me then we let the rest of the family know, we can go for breakfast, then they are off out with friends for the day.
This is good, I keep telling myself; they are independent, they have boundaries, they can ask for what they need, they can compromise, they have jobs and they are happy!
But why am I left feeling so alone?
Hormones - who knows what is happening with my cycle it is all over the place, even with HRT.
Transitions - both my children are now entering the working world, their needs are different and neither of us knows what my role looks like as a mother right at this minute, and even when we think we do, it shifts and changes.
Single mother - I wonder if I feel this as a double whammy because I did both parenting roles for so long?
Last summer holiday - a sudden realisation that this chapter is now over this 18 year long, yearly ritual of holidays, camping, adventures, rock pooling, paddling pool, and lazy days, is now done, gone, over! This holiday has been me rattling around figuring out how to entertain myself, whilst the ‘kids’ are working or seeing friends.
What’s my role?
Part of me wants to remain melancholy, to grieve for the mother I once was. Me as the mother of children. And part of me is excited to see who I am as the mother of adults. And discover what my future self looks like and what new adventures are around the corner.
And part of me wants to turn back time and go back to those summer holidays and truly enjoy them, really cherishing them with this knowledge I have now.
But today I am going to allow myself to feel it all, happy and excited, sad and longing, and remembering and dreaming.
All whilst remembering transitions are bloody hard, painful, exhausting and beautiful.
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